Not On The Same Page Financially? Here are 8 Questions To Ask Your Spouse…
Having been married for almost 17 years, my wife and I often fall victim to the assumption that we know what the other is thinking. We make decisions or snap judgments because we erroneously believe we know how the other might react before ever having a real conversation.
While money issues are often listed as a primary cause of divorce in America, I tend to believe that the larger issue is money wasn’t ever REALLY talked about in the relationship to begin with and there were simply massive assumptions made about your finances (by both partners). For partners that have been together for a long time, perhaps it’s an unconscious attitude toward money that you both need to bring to the conscious level.
To help you bridge the gap that may be growing in your financial relationship with your spouse, consider asking the following questions:
How much do you need in savings to feel safe and secure?
I first learned the importance of this question after reading David Bach’s Smart Couples Finish Rich. Bach suggests in the book that men and women have different risk tolerances and each may feel more secure with a different amount in savings. When I asked my new bride how much she needed to feel safe and secure, her answer made me think she’d hit the listerine too hard that morning… (her answer was $20K).
My recommendation is figure out how much you need and how much your S.O. needs — then decide on a number that you’re both comfortable with. Just the underlying fear of not having enough may be causing fear or uncertainty from the other side of the bed… And stress about money can lead to anxiety and arguments.
What are our short-term and long-term savings goals?
Not only what is the amount, but what are you both saving for? It may be that one of you is saving for that sweet new fishing boat while the other is counting on a vacation next year but is afraid to talk to you about it.
As for long-term, is there a fund to repair the roof? Do you want to stay in this house for a long-time? If not, should that money be saved for a down payment? What about the epic European vacation you promised each other when you got married – have you started saving for that yet?
Best to identify what your common goals are so that you’re both headed in the right direction. It’s amazing what two people working towards the same thing can accomplish!
What is our plan to teach the kids proper money management?
Kids are expensive — according to Bloomberg, to raise a child from 0-18 takes nearly $230,000 (not including the cost of college). They become even more expensive when they wrongly believe that your money is their money.
The key to teaching young people about money is to give them some and let them fail with it. I’m not talking massive amounts, but enough to make decisions that require them to understand that there is only so much of it. (I even did a TEDx talk about the subject at the London Business School.)
If two parents are on the same page when it comes to allowance and decision making around money, their kids will grow up learning what it takes to be financially successful.
Do you think I’m spending too much money? When, where, and on what?
Asking this question requires having an open-mind and an attitude ready for feedback because you may hear something that you don’t want to. If one partner is addicted to spending on Amazon and the other is desperately trying to save for an emergency fund that makes them feel good, they’re liable to unload their frustrations.
My recommendation is to begin this question by saying, “I think we both need to be honest with each other and respectful of the other’s opinion as valid. Is that fair? Can we both agree to that?”
Once the question is asked and the situation is uncovered, it’s now time to make a plan to do something about it. If it’s overspending on daily conveniences, what can you do to minimize those? If it’s buying designer purchases, how can you adjust that habit positively?
What do you think retirement for us will be like?
In working with couples in the past, two people with vastly different ideas about retirement will inevitably fall short of the expectations of one or the other. As an example, a couple I recently coached came to an impasse when the husband believed the wife would go back to work once the kids were in school full-time to build their retirement fund and the wife imagined volunteering full-time. Luckily they came to a mutual agreement shortly after our session, but imagine the resentment that could build over time with a situation like theirs.
No matter if retirement is 4 years away or 40 years away, I maintain open communication about expectations and desires is critical if two people are going to hit it. If they are completely honest with one another and both willing to work towards a common goal, they should be able to reach retirement comfortably much sooner.
Are you comfortable with the roles we have around money currently?
Typically one spouse carries the burden of paying bills while the other trusts that all is going according to plan. That may create resentment for one, especially if you’re having to budget more tightly because of spending that goes unchecked.
For the spouse not managing the family checkbook, their spending may not seem out of control, but they’re also ignorant to the effect on the emotions of the checkbook balancer.
Rotating roles every now and again can level set emotions — or, it may prove to the current family fiduciary that they prefer having control to letting the other take the reins.
What do you think we should be doing differently?
Once again, be prepared when asking this question for the feedback you may not be interested in hearing. You might think all is fine and dandy with your golf, coffee, shoes, or custom shirt habit and your spouse is interested in making changes. In asking this question, keep in mind that the answer of your spouse is more about how the current situation makes them feel and planning for what can be done in the future to make things better.
This question is a great one to pose before a meeting with a financial planner. They may suggest you put more in your 401k or ROTH IRA, pay down debt, or save for college. If any of those resonate with you, consider making a different plan than you’re currently running and adjust accordingly.
How do you think your family upbringing impacted how you are with money?
My wife was raised by the coupon queen in the coupon castle and therefore she is the coupon princess. She has absolutely mastered saving money using coupons and is instilling that in our kids. Sometimes, that programming has her buying things that aren’t worth as much and therefore wear out sooner.
My Dad always had the mindset that we’d figure out the finances if something was important, so I found myself adopting that philosophy early on in life (when I wasn’t making very much). The challenge became that my spending was probably on the high side with an air of ‘It’s no big deal, there’s always more to be made’.
Knowing that each of us has this as a hidden program running in our subconscious is important for the both of us to know. My wife can tell me i’m spending too much and I can tell her she’s being too frugal (there IS such a thing) and we’re both open to hearing the feedback.
Have additional questions that YOU like to ask?
I’d love to know what they are. Send them to us at feedback@moneysavvy.com and we’ll include them in a master document of money questions to ask your significant other. The document will be found in our toolbox!
While the overall goal of MoneySavvy.com is to provide content and context around increasing your financial education, understanding the behavioral side of money is important too. When your behaviors line up with your goals and plans, a solid financial future is just ahead for couples that are open to talking money.
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